Life's really frustrating me at the moment.. Haunting, Daunting.. But what can I do but smile at what I have left? Pretty much nothing.. I don't want to be so.. pessimistic and negative these days.. but I cant help it..
Bombarded by the stressed of HSC and the forced will to do good is really draining my energy.. Bec officially came back.. And the moment I saw her in the house when I came home from my studies I asked my mum why she was here.. "Shes only here for dinner is that answer good enough for you?" honestly.. what does that mean? is that answer good enough for me? >< However, there was change in her.. her attitude.. extremely snobby.. acting high and mighty.. demanding.. So what does she does now? Nothing.. After dropping out.. without a job.. she's back from her lil "vacation" and lies in bed all day with the tv next to her watching drama.. Talk about a good life..
Next day I told my mum to go shopping with me and my sister came along.. we passed the pet store to ask some questions for our pup.. and Bec sees a husky on sale.. she demands for it.. How the hell are we able to own such a large dog?! Its not within our financial abilities!! She starts tearing up.. starts to cry.. Mum weakens.. and tells me to cheer her up.. ME?! SHE WANTS ME TO CHEER HER UP COZ SHE CANT GETS WHAT SHE WANTS!? what has she done to deserve all of this?! Mum then proceeds to tell me to don't just walk out of the store and talk to her.. Oh gosh.. Not like I'm being mean but I really don't have all the time to sweeten a girl who just came back without being questioned!!
So what's the questionable justice you ask? Last night was the first night we argued since Bec left.. I've been trying extremely hard to keep this nice relationship with my mum because I know shes stressed and despite how hard it is to cope with her at times I still do because she's my mum and I love her.. though.. now Becs back, I, the substitute is tossed away.. What was the argument about? Well after intense study I decided to take a night walk outside with a neighbour who's in the same grade as me.. and after that decided to chill the night with a movie back at his place since we don't have an exam the next day.. I came home a lil later than I should have but my mum starts calling me a slut!! Quote: "Why are you so cheap?! You are such a slut!!" ... BANG!!! My heart just shatters at that.. A mother.. can put down her daughter.. but to lower her to the standard of a slut? Does she not understand how much it can kill her daughter inside? I couldn't hold it any longer I snapped back Quote:"Me? Out of all people you can not call me a slut!! I am far from a slut!! Why did you call me a slut?! How can you degrade me to that level?!" Immediately after I ran into the toilet and locked myself in.. whilst I hear my mothers rages on the other side of the door.. endless tears streamed down my face.. I couldn't hold that pain any longer..
So my sister.. is the good one.. I lose to her in every way.. Even to the guy I love.. Today I was at UTS Library since 11am to 8pm at night.. He came to visit me.. however we didn't talk much since I was studying.. A few minutes after he gave me a call.. Thinking it was important.. Negative.. He was asking me what Bec's number was because he needs to look for her and it was urgent.. So.. even to him I lose against her.. But that's another story.. I came home after the long day of pure maths.. I left my keys at home.. so I rang the doorbell and my mum opens the door to only be welcomed by her cold glare and her ignoring me.. I noticed Bec wasn't home yet.. She too did not have keys when she came home and rang the doorbell.. Similarly my mum opened the door and welcomed her with warm conversations and hot soup and prepared fruit she already cut up.. You say Jealousy?! This time I'll admit it.. I am jealous.. but what have I done to deserve this injustice?
What else is she going to take from me?! I'm pretty much failing in my HSC because of the over stress I'm undergoing.. I really don't know how long I can hold up..
Sorry guys.. I really can't remain cheerful after today.. I've been smiling and cheerful to my friends today.. I'm absolutely wiped out >< Gotta go now.. I have a Mathematics Extension I exam early tomorrow.. Lets see how long I can hang on..
<3 Be.
Pathetic..
Posted by
bebeyan
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HeyHeyHey~!!! ^^ yes.. taking another break from my studies.. English paper 2 is on Monday and I've got three essays that I have to remember by tomorrow!! *groans*
So you're probably wondering why this blog is called.. Pathetic right? Well.. my sister [Bec] just dropped by... After having disappeared with no information from her whatsoever.. She just called to say she was in front of our house.. She came in as if it was natural, she even brought in some soup she made.. honestly.. this is the first time I've heard about her cooking anything...
And as figured it wouldn't be her if she doesn't come for something.. right? As she leaves.. I hear my mum in the background shoving her some money and telling her not to let me know because I would rage.. I wont rage.. it's my mums money.. but honestly.. pathetic.. who am I referring to? Both.
Why Bec's pathetic?
Pathetic for coming back.. having to have achieved nothing and only asking for something,
Pathetic for telling mum to pay her to get her drivers license a second time because the money mum gave last time was spent on something else.. Pathetic because i see her coming back wearing minimal clothing plus nails with black edges? Pathetic because the person who drove her here was the guy who dumped her and threatening our whole family with horrible things that I am not gonna mention? And Pathetic because every single time she comes she seems to have think shes won again because she gotten something..
Despite her being my mum and everything, and as a daughter it is disrespectful for saying this.. but mum too.. is pathetic..
Pathetic for falling for her traps time and time again, Pathetic to lie to me.. [the one who tries so hard to make everything ok], Pathetic to tell bec not to tell me!!, Pathetic to offer her food on the way home, Pathetic to give her the limited money we have left..
I'm speechless.. our family isn't currently financially stable.. and we've been through many times where we have to move in order to pay our debts.. I work extra days even during my HSC to earn myself money so mum can support one less child.. Having to watch my family fall apart.. not being able to do much.. Burns my heart inside.. feelings so pathetic myself.. how ironic..
This blog's.. too depressing.. its just been so hard lately to smile in front of everyone anymore.. no matter how much i tell myself.. to just keep smiling or else people around you would feel sad.. and further more.. i'll then become the burden.. so i keep telling myself.. no matter what happens.. i have to keep smiling because.. i can't be selfish..
I'm saying too much, this is more than i hoped to say.. i should stop before i open to much.. and in the end.. get hurt..
So.. ^^ Happy Studying Guys!! Your future can only be determined with what you do!! So take risks, accept chances and do everythign to her fullest with NO regrets!!!
Much Love~
Be. <3
So you're probably wondering why this blog is called.. Pathetic right? Well.. my sister [Bec] just dropped by... After having disappeared with no information from her whatsoever.. She just called to say she was in front of our house.. She came in as if it was natural, she even brought in some soup she made.. honestly.. this is the first time I've heard about her cooking anything...
And as figured it wouldn't be her if she doesn't come for something.. right? As she leaves.. I hear my mum in the background shoving her some money and telling her not to let me know because I would rage.. I wont rage.. it's my mums money.. but honestly.. pathetic.. who am I referring to? Both.
Why Bec's pathetic?
Pathetic for coming back.. having to have achieved nothing and only asking for something,
Pathetic for telling mum to pay her to get her drivers license a second time because the money mum gave last time was spent on something else.. Pathetic because i see her coming back wearing minimal clothing plus nails with black edges? Pathetic because the person who drove her here was the guy who dumped her and threatening our whole family with horrible things that I am not gonna mention? And Pathetic because every single time she comes she seems to have think shes won again because she gotten something..
Despite her being my mum and everything, and as a daughter it is disrespectful for saying this.. but mum too.. is pathetic..
Pathetic for falling for her traps time and time again, Pathetic to lie to me.. [the one who tries so hard to make everything ok], Pathetic to tell bec not to tell me!!, Pathetic to offer her food on the way home, Pathetic to give her the limited money we have left..
I'm speechless.. our family isn't currently financially stable.. and we've been through many times where we have to move in order to pay our debts.. I work extra days even during my HSC to earn myself money so mum can support one less child.. Having to watch my family fall apart.. not being able to do much.. Burns my heart inside.. feelings so pathetic myself.. how ironic..
This blog's.. too depressing.. its just been so hard lately to smile in front of everyone anymore.. no matter how much i tell myself.. to just keep smiling or else people around you would feel sad.. and further more.. i'll then become the burden.. so i keep telling myself.. no matter what happens.. i have to keep smiling because.. i can't be selfish..
I'm saying too much, this is more than i hoped to say.. i should stop before i open to much.. and in the end.. get hurt..
So.. ^^ Happy Studying Guys!! Your future can only be determined with what you do!! So take risks, accept chances and do everythign to her fullest with NO regrets!!!
Much Love~
Be. <3
Time Flies..
Posted by
bebeyan
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My!!My!! Time really does pass by fast huh? I mean.. we've all been so busy none of us could really post something up xD~ HSC is fast approaching.. and i'm getting a stomach ache just thinking about >< *sick face*.. I'm just taking a break from my studies and this blog suddenly crossed my mind.. so i decided to leave a lil mark on this seksi page!! YUM!!
Well.. where to start.. I'll make it short coz i've gotta get back to the books.. well as everyone knows about my troublesome sister.. yea her.. well 2 months back shes officially left our household and is currently running wild in the outside world.. where she is? she wont tell.. Mums been keeping in contact with her.. she does come back to visit every now and then (eg. bby sister's bday).. but thats wat makes me wonder.. she never liked mum.. so why is she still keepign in contact with her.. but now i know.. Recently she came back and ask for her passport and birth certificate because she wants to apply for her driver's licence [bad idea!!].. yea.. figured.. the moment shes gotten those shes disappeared.. as in.. no more contacting with us or mum.. gone. doesnt reply on msn or her phone.. wait.. more like she changed her number for the umptheeth time!!
*sigh* naive mum.. but i guess we can't blame her.. i mean that is her daughter.. obviously she really cares and really wants her back.. but she just gets tricked over and over again by her!!
But then again.. life has been a little more peaceful.. no offense or anything.. but its like.. less drama in my household.. though.. because usually i need to stress about my hsc and the girl who keeps running away.. oh my mother whos suffering from depression.. and that i tell you can get pretty bad.. ><
Mum however is cheering up a bit more lately.. though she does ask about bec often.. at least shes not worried sick every night.. she's also been going to church on Sunday mornings.. sometimes i think she's just in need of something to hold on to.. to give her that last hope.. i mean.. if god can give her that hope [i personally don't believe in god] then.. I'll support her all the way despite her attempts into getting me to join her == i refuse!! been once.. and i was bored out of my mind!! to me they seem to just brainwash those who a weaker emotionally.. take advantage of their beliefs.. OK HOLD IT GUYS!! I'm not bad mouthing them ok?! this is coming from my point of view.. so.. don't take offense to it!!
Anyway.. I've gotta shove my face back into my books now.. I know its short and all.. but I'll refill on our crazy life after our HSC and maybe our desperate survival though it xD Can't wait for the parties screaming for my name on the other side of the finishing line!!!
Yayerz!!!
KEEP SMILING PEEPS COZ I'M WITH YOU WHERE EVER YOU GO!!!!
p.s I'm a stalker~ *innocent face*
p.p.s SHOUT OUT TO JAY AND QUEENIE!!! STUDY HARD GIRLS AND LET OUR HARD WORK PAY OFF LOVE YOU BOTH AND SEE YOU AFTER HSC!!! yes Viv i won't forget you.. *spine breaking hug* i fking love u!!!! excuse my language but its the only word i can think of to describe my love for you~ hehe
<3 Be.
Well.. where to start.. I'll make it short coz i've gotta get back to the books.. well as everyone knows about my troublesome sister.. yea her.. well 2 months back shes officially left our household and is currently running wild in the outside world.. where she is? she wont tell.. Mums been keeping in contact with her.. she does come back to visit every now and then (eg. bby sister's bday).. but thats wat makes me wonder.. she never liked mum.. so why is she still keepign in contact with her.. but now i know.. Recently she came back and ask for her passport and birth certificate because she wants to apply for her driver's licence [bad idea!!].. yea.. figured.. the moment shes gotten those shes disappeared.. as in.. no more contacting with us or mum.. gone. doesnt reply on msn or her phone.. wait.. more like she changed her number for the umptheeth time!!
*sigh* naive mum.. but i guess we can't blame her.. i mean that is her daughter.. obviously she really cares and really wants her back.. but she just gets tricked over and over again by her!!
But then again.. life has been a little more peaceful.. no offense or anything.. but its like.. less drama in my household.. though.. because usually i need to stress about my hsc and the girl who keeps running away.. oh my mother whos suffering from depression.. and that i tell you can get pretty bad.. ><
Mum however is cheering up a bit more lately.. though she does ask about bec often.. at least shes not worried sick every night.. she's also been going to church on Sunday mornings.. sometimes i think she's just in need of something to hold on to.. to give her that last hope.. i mean.. if god can give her that hope [i personally don't believe in god] then.. I'll support her all the way despite her attempts into getting me to join her == i refuse!! been once.. and i was bored out of my mind!! to me they seem to just brainwash those who a weaker emotionally.. take advantage of their beliefs.. OK HOLD IT GUYS!! I'm not bad mouthing them ok?! this is coming from my point of view.. so.. don't take offense to it!!
Anyway.. I've gotta shove my face back into my books now.. I know its short and all.. but I'll refill on our crazy life after our HSC and maybe our desperate survival though it xD Can't wait for the parties screaming for my name on the other side of the finishing line!!!
Yayerz!!!
KEEP SMILING PEEPS COZ I'M WITH YOU WHERE EVER YOU GO!!!!
p.s I'm a stalker~ *innocent face*
p.p.s SHOUT OUT TO JAY AND QUEENIE!!! STUDY HARD GIRLS AND LET OUR HARD WORK PAY OFF LOVE YOU BOTH AND SEE YOU AFTER HSC!!! yes Viv i won't forget you.. *spine breaking hug* i fking love u!!!! excuse my language but its the only word i can think of to describe my love for you~ hehe
<3 Be.
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